Currently, my daughter is an 11th grader. She’s now experiencing a stressful life every day because she gets overwhelmed with her classes, homework, college-prep activities, and so on. Although I have heard that the junior year of high school is tough, it goes beyond my imagination. My wife and I sometimes feel like targets of our daughter’s stress and frustration, so these days when we talk with her, it is with great caution. Sometimes as her parent, I give her advice. But whenever she feels grumpy because of this, we sometimes end up arguing. I know that she is at a sensitive stage of her life, but, when I think about myself as a teenager doing the same things, once again I cannot help but feel the hardships my parents endured for me. I am now learning how important it is to be patient as I witness my daughter’s behavior.
Of course, if Mika and I were still hoping to become parents, but instead remained childless, we would likely be unhappy in that situation. So, it feels ironic to be blessed with two children, yet also feel stressed because of the heavy responsibility of parenthood.
There is a famous phrase about this dilemma in “The Buddha of Infinite Life” by Sakyamuni Buddha, which goes:
If we have no fields nor house, we become anxious and wish to possess them. If we have fields and house, we worry about them because of their administration and maintenance. In the same way – whether or not we have domesticated animals; manservants and maids; money and wealth; clothes, food and furnishings – we worry about them. Accumulating worries and compounding sighs, we live in constant anxiety and fear.
This teaching is called “umu dozen,” which means that, whether or not we possess the things we desire, we still share the same anxieties and worries. It is not a question of which problem is better to have, because our anxieties and suffering will be present despite whatever choice we make.
Although the modern world that we live in has changed tremendously compared to ancient times, human nature is constant. We still worry and suffer. Why is this?
In his “Notes on Once-Calling and Many-Calling,” Shinran Shonin observes:
We foolish beings are full of ignorance and afflictions. Our desires are countless, and anger, wrath, jealousy and envy are constantly overwhelming us. To the very last moment of life, they do not cease, disappear nor exhaust themselves.
Afflictions are the workings of the mind that confuse us and make us worry and suffer. And the root of afflictions that cause human suffering is our own ego. Because of our attachments to ego, various afflictions arise in our thoughts and disturb us, throw us off balance and make us suffer.
There is an interesting story called “Porcupine’s Dilemma.” On a winter morning, a pair of porcupines, almost frozen from the cold, tries to get close to one other in order to share body heat. But the closer they get, the more they hurt one another with their sharp quills. Because they can’t bear the pain, they move apart. But they also can’t bear the freezing cold, so they timidly try to get closer again. With this method – trying to get close, then moving away from one another, repeatedly – eventually they find just the right distance that makes them feel moderately warm without hurting one another.
This story expresses well our personal relationships. No matter how close two people may be, if they become too familiar, it sometimes causes friction. This is true of relationships between spouses, partners, girlfriend-boyfriend, friends, parent-child, and so on. The closer we become and the more interests we have in common, the greater likelihood that our selfish thinking – namely, the porcupine’s sharp quills – will hurt the other’s feelings to the point when we begin to hate one another.
It has already been sixteen years since I became a father, and I am deeply affected by this story. When I first became a parent, I accepted whatever our baby daughter did. I raised her while trying not to hurt her feelings, but to understand her instead, using gentle words. However, from the time she began to develop a sense of self and I saw her quills, I sometimes prioritized my own selfishness. Because of this, it is sometimes hard to maintain the right space with her. Sometimes we can’t communicate effectively with each other when we keep distant from each other. Also, when we are too close, we hurt one other because we tend to say anything without hesitation.
When I consider my behavior through our family’s history and contemplate why we quarrel now more than before, I find that I – who have always felt uneasy about my daughter’s sharp quills – have forgotten that I have even sharper quills (self-centeredness) than she does. While arguing that I was simply giving her parental advice, I just pushed my selfish thoughts on her. I have to admit that I have countless selfish hopes for my daughter, and whenever those don’t turn out, I get angry and point my sharp quills of ego at her. But on reflection, I realize the blame belongs solely on me, who views the world through my egotistical thoughts.
While illumined by Amida Buddha’s light of wisdom, Nembutsu followers become aware of how important it is to be shamed by our arrogant, selfish attitude and to instead reflect deeply upon such a foolish way of living. And by listening to the Dharma repeatedly, may our greed, anger, wrath, jealousy and envy all transform into the mind of knowing enough, rejoicing and seeing things as they are. And at the same time, the feeling of humility and gratitude naturally grows in our hearts to gently embrace and soften our quills of selfishness. This mind and heart of gratitude is indeed the Nembutsu, “Namo Amida Butsu.”
Even though my daughter suffers from lots of stress during her challenging junior year, she still tries to do her best every day. I am really proud of her. As her father, I will acknowledge and accept her efforts unconditionally and constantly strive to support her under the guidance of the Nembutsu in any way I can without showing my quills of ego.
In Gassho,
Rev. Yushi Mukojima